For those of you who have read my reflections thus far you’ve already picked up on the fact that my husband and I are currently separated. It’s been about eight months now. Even as I write this my heart is heavy. Every night before my head hits the pillow and every morning when I lift it up again I wait and listen for him to walk through the door. Quickly the realization sinks in that today will be another day of waiting. Another day God has called me to walk this journey. On my worst days that thought sets me into a deep depression. On my best days I praise God for another opportunity to learn and grow in the midst of adversary. This season has reminded me that sometimes suffering is necessary.
“Then Jesus went with them to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to his disciples, “Sit here, while I go over there and pray.” 37 And taking with him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, he began to be sorrowful and troubled. 38 Then he said to them, “My soul is very sorrowful, even to death; remain here, and watch[a] with me.” 39 And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, saying, “My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.” Matthew 26:36-39
At the garden Jesus asked the father to take his cup away-begged him to.
But the Father didn’t.
We can’t escape suffering.
So the only choice that remains is deciding how you will choose to live in your suffering. Jesus’ example is one that can’t be ignored. As his bones crushed and he bled out he used his last breaths to make friends, show kindness to his enemies, and comfort his grieving mother.
During the darkest moments of his life He managed to still have hope.
I am waiting for my marriage to be restored. That is my cup. The father hasn’t taken it from me yet. He may never take it from me. And that’s hard. But not as hard as dying an unrighteousness death on a cross for undeserving men and women. On the other side of Jesus’ biggest battle was the throne and a seat at the right hand of God. This journey my friends has been the hardest task I’ve had to endure but if it means an ending more beautiful then I could have conjured, I choose to continue to trust my Father. I am so thankful Jesus suffered. Without his suffering where would I be-where would we all be?
Pain is a necessary part of our transformation.
The cocoon turns into a butterfly.
Grains of sand into a pearl.
Pressure creates a diamond.
Intensive training an Olympic athlete.
This representation is engraved in the patterns of life.
“In fact, everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted,” 2 Timothy 3:12
Some of you may be going through something similar or something far worse. I know what I’m sharing with you isn’t a traditional pep talk. I’m not telling you everything is going to be alright nor giving you scriptures of hope. Yet the hope I bring is that in sharing my suffering and guiding you to the ancient words that remind us of real suffering, you will experience solidarity. You are not alone in your suffering for even our savior suffered. In order to see and experience the Glory of God the situation has to first be grim and even better impossible. How can we understand His goodness otherwise?
Again I ask, how will you choose to live in your suffering? Can you confess that God is still good, and coincide in that same breathe that He is enough?
As Paul sits in jail he writes to the Philippians, “For I fully expect and hope that I will never be ashamed, but that I will continue to be bold for Christ, as I have been in the past. And I trust that my life will bring honor to Christ, whether I live or die.” He continues further, “Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little.”
The mornings I awake depressed and the nights I fight sleep, I must wrestle with this concept: if not a single prayer is answered during this season- if my love does not return home, is God enough for me? Jesus reminds the Samaritan woman, “Anyone who drinks this water will soon become thirsty again. But those who drink the water I give will never be thirsty again. It becomes a fresh, bubbling spring within them, giving them eternal life.” Similar to Paul I come to you with an honest heart. I have not mastered this way of life . Yet, each morning I seek His face desperate to try again, desperate to experience eternal life with my Maker.
How desperate are you to give him your all? Can you take the pressure? Will you allow your suffering to be your peace and choose to live despite it?
I leave you with a prayer I wrote some weeks ago. It’s one I now read many mornings as I guide my sprite into oneness with Him. My hope is that it guides you this morning to a place of peace. And friends, continue to think of me in your time with our Lord as I continue to walk this journey.
Abundantly with love,
The Anonymous Wife
You have created me in your image. You have written your law on my heart. Help me to not desire the ways of the world that try to mislead me. Allow me to look within for your ultimate life. Remind me that drinking of this world will continue to leave me thirsty. Give me the courage Lord to live countercultural, to eat of you and drink of you daily and be filled. I rest in peace this morning as I am reminded that You are enough.
I drink of you and eat of you this morning.
At your feet I lay my needs. I am ready to trust you today.
Thank you for being my living bread. Thank you for eternal life.
Live through me.
Abide in me.
I choose to transcend and live today.
Take my life and let it be all for you and for your glory. Take my life and let it be yours.
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