I Don't Trust God....

Dearest Beloved,

I don’t trust God. It’s a hard thing to admit but if I’m really honest with myself, it’s true. It’s cute to think of metaphors like a trust fall and ask oneself would I be able to trust God in that but it isn’t really practical. I mean obviously this person will catch me. But have you tried a trust fall from the roof of a house? That’s a different story right?

That’s pretty much how I’ve been in my relationship with God. I trust Him for the obvious situations, food on the table, job opportunity, money. But rarely do I trust Him to do the miracles that are beyond my control. I mean can He really heal all of me? Can He really take ANYTHING and turn into good. I don’t think I’ve ever really seen that?

And so here I sit with the realization that I don’t really trust God like I say I do; that I’ve been faking this idea of trust in order to check a box of a faith tradition I follow. Satan has really come to test my words.

About 2 ½ years ago my husband left me for another woman, alone with all our children. We were down to one income. Talk about learning to really trust God. My friends, I cannot begin to even tell you how sincerely I am when I say, it is only by God’s grace that we are alive today. Checks in the mail, debts canceled, favor, upon favor; God has always kept us. Yet, even in all of that I had to be honest in recognizing that a small part of me did not trust God to do one specific thing: save my marriage. So much so that I was the biggest hindrance for quite some time. I did everything I humanly knew possible to try and fix it. God recently came to me in a vision in which he expressed to me that I did not have to die in order to give birth to this thing. He reminded me that He had already died for this specific time and situation on the cross. He essentially asked me to get out of his way.

I am finally letting go. 100,000%. I trust that every turn is ordained by Him. That every detour is on purpose. That every stone on every road is placed and designed strategically. As the song lyric from the old hymnal states:

He leadeth me, he leadeth me,

by his own hand he leadeth me;

his faithful follower I would be,

for by his hand he leadeth me.

Sometimes mid scenes of deepest gloom,

sometimes where Eden's bowers bloom,

by waters still, o'er troubled sea,

still 'tis his hand that leadeth me.

Prayer:

Abba Father,

I’m letting go of the life I planned for me and all of my dreams. I’m losing control in You. Here I am. I trust you.

Matthew 6:10

Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.

Proverbs 3: 5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways submit to him,

and he will make your paths straight.[a]

Abundantly With Love,

Anonymous